ells the story of the end of a 16-year marriage after her husband leaves to live life as a gay man. The book describes “The straight story of a woman who picked up her life when her husband left to pick up men”. Described as a cross between Bridget Jones Diary and Brokeback Mountain, Jennifer Lee’s story describes her shock and reaction after discovering her husband is gay and the aftermath of nesting, the Internet Dating Scene, and moving on. While the debate rages on about gay marriage, Jennifer gives a true life account of the consequences for an ‘average, middle class white girl’ of a husband in denial. All break-ups have a cycle of denial, anger and acceptance. Jennifer’s frank and funny description of her process will relate to men and women in all types of circumstances. Jennifer describes in entertaining detail her adventures in discovering anew what straight men are like. For example, she gets the fun of having two different guys in a row try to charm the pants off her with a clever line about how ordering french fries is “sooooo sexy!” lol . Jennifer gets the excitement of dating some guys who above all just want from her a night of hot passion by contrast with the familiar situation of the guy who above all wanted from her the domestic comforts of home and family. In some ways she finds this a welcome change, but — combined with the frustration of also dating some guys with serious social problems and the frustration of failing to find a complete, fulfilling romantic relationship — she practically ends up asking herself if her new situation is better or worse. Even though Jennifer is incredibly positive about pro-actively getting her own life in order and about giving number one top priority to her kids’ well-being above all else, this book obviously ends up being a strong cautionary tale about why — if you are a straight person — you should not marry a gay person, imagining that somehow against all odds you’ll find a way to make it work. And even more than that, it’s a cautionary tale for gay people of what you’re really choosing to do to the life of another human when you decide to try to cure yourself by building a family with an unsuspecting straight person. Jennifer’s situation is somewhat unusual among gay-man-straight-woman marriages in that she didn’t have any idea that her husband might be gay until four years into the marriage (after they’d had one kid). It’s easy to see how this can happen — her ex-husband was one of those gay guys who didn’t blatantly fit the stereotypes, plus he was sexual enough to be willing to have plenty of sex with her despite his orientation. And notably — even though he’d had sex with men and knew he was struggling with same-sex attraction before the marriage — he didn’t tell her. Given the situation, it’s astonishing how little anger Jennifer expresses. However, it’s understandable that she’s willing to forgive her ex because it’s clear from the story that he didn’t set out wanting to deceive and use her. He wasn’t just thinking of his own need for a “normal” life and family in callous disregard for her needs. He believed and had internalized the disgusting lie that his attraction to men was just a disorder — one that could be completely cured and one that was too shameful to even mention. They convinced him that he would be capable of giving his wife a relationship that was as sexually and emotionally complete as the type of relationship that a straight man could offer her. So really, the liar in this story is the LDS church. Jennifer makes it clear, however, that she doesn’t feel anger towards the church any more than she feels anger towards her ex-husband. Her detachment is amazing, yet not so mysterious. The thing is that she places an admirably high priority on honoring the family they built together and the good memories of the years they spent together. She doesn’t regret the years and the life that she gave him and she doesn’t want to regret them. What’s more, she doesn’t want him to regret their relationship. If she were to feel a visceral anger at the church for telling him he could change and for pressuring him to do so, it would in a sense be equivalent to being viscerally angry that they had ever been married at all. Tellingly, she spends almost as much time discussing whether she should be angry at “homosexuality” as she spends discussing whether she should be angry at the church. It’s clear that while a new relationship would be great, she would just as soon have back the father of her children, only not gay — if that were somehow possible. (Note that she does blame his secrecy for causing her pain, and strongly advocates allowing and encouraging gay people to marry each other instead of marrying straight people.) Jennifer includes an interview with her ex-husband in order to allow him to give his side of the story. For his part, he seems a lot more willing to feel anger towards the LDS church — not because he regrets their family together, but rather because the church not only pressured him to deny a fundamental part of himself but also convinced him to make promises to a person he cared deeply about, promises that were ultimately impossible for him to keep. And obviously in the face of his new-found joy and happiness at truly finding himself and finding his soul-mate (Rex), he doesn’t want to feel like he’s left Jennifer high and dry. I’m not sure whether all of my armchair psychoanalysis here makes for a good book review or not, but it’s hard for the reader to avoid trying to make some sense of this difficult situation. The book is definitely worth reading for its own sake as a story as well as for the insight it gives into the perspective of a straight woman who has the misfortune of finding out that her husband is gay. Hopefully Jennifer’s book will be a voice to counteract the invisibility of women caught in such marriages.
Jennifer Lee Had a Tough Choice to Make When She Found Out Her Husband Is Gay
Jennifer Lee thought she’d found the man of her dreams when she met Steve Lee. He was handsome, sensitive and most of all funny.They quickly fell in love and after Jennifer converted to Mormonism, they married. After a few years, they welcomed a son. Despite their seemingly happy, secure relationship, Steve was hiding a secret, one he’d had since he was 19 years old. Jennifer was devastated when her husband told her he is gay. She was suddenly faced with the toughest call she could imagine: should she stay with her husband who has just come out to her or should she leave him? Although the news shocked and upset her, Jennifer decided something could be done. “I started to convince myself it didn’t have to be,” Jennifer said, “and I started to convince him it didn’t have to be and he agreed.” Steve, a devout Mormon, feared God would not accept him if he were gay. The couple met with their bishop who urged Steve to rid himself of his homosexuality by going through conversion therapy, a controversial program intended to eliminate homosexual feelings. Steve felt he had no choice. “I wanted to be accepted by God,” he said. “I wanted to be loved. That was everything to me. And so I saw no other route.” So every week Steve joined other Mormon men for group therapy. Most conversion therapy involves different forms of behavior modification, attempting to make people straight by having them act straight. Some programs even teach men about stereotypically “male” activities, such as talking about football and changing motor oil. Steve did not find that his experience with conversion therapy was at all therapeutic. “I would definitely call it brainwashing,” he said. “It was an exercise in humiliation.” There is much skepticism surrounding conversion therapy and whether it’s even possible to reverse someone’s sexual orientation. Most professional health organizations reject the theories behind conversion therapy, and many have even deemed it a potentially harmful “treatment.” Jack Drescher is a psychiatrist in New York and warns that not only is conversion therapy unlikely to work, it can be very dangerous. “Patients feel more depressed and anxious when the treatment doesn’t work,” Drescher said. “They blame themselves. Some people became suicidal.”
Are Conversions Successful?
The largest faith-based conversion therapy program in the country is Love in Action, which is located in Memphis, Tenn. Eight years ago “20/20” was invited to meet nine participants in the program who were attempting to purge themselves of what they called “homosexual behaviors.” James Serra, one of those men, says he is one of the program’s success stories. Serra stayed in the program for three years, and today he’s a counselor at Love in Action. When asked whether he was a gay man or a straight man, Serra answered, “I’m a man, period. And the way I see it, it’s a behavior. Homosexual, heterosexual is a behavior.” While Serra admits he is still attracted to men, he emphasizes that he has not acted on those feelings in eight years. Even though he has yet to have a relationship with a woman, he hopes that one day he will get married and have children. Wade Richards was Serra’s roommate when “20/20” visited Love in Action. As a devout Christian, Richards says he was faced with the difficult call of whether to accept his attraction to men or try to change. Despite the time he spent in conversion therapy, he now lives his life as a gay man. “I believe that a loving God would not have someone go through such a struggle,” said Richards.
Big Bucks on Sexuality Conversion
The faith-based movement to convert people’s sexuality is a lucrative industry. Last spring the conservative Christian organization Focus on the Family hosted a conference called “Love Won Out” at a megachurch in Nebraska. Parents were encouraged to bring their children to the conference so they could learn the church’s take on homosexuality. In addition to the $60 entrance fee, attendees could purchase books and videos, including a book by John Paulk, former chairman of Exodus International, a network with more than 11,000 affiliated ministries. Claiming to be “ex-gay” for more than a decade and happily married to a woman, Paulk was considered a poster child for conversion therapy. Then in 2001, “20/20” reported that Paulk was photographed coming out of a gay bar in Washington, D.C. He is still married, but stepped down from Exodus. His book about his own conversion from homosexuality is still being sold. Like many of the attendees at the “Love Won Out” conference, Steve and Jennifer had hoped that conversion therapy would be effective. After Steve went through a Mormon therapy program, Jennifer made the tough call to stay in the marriage. They subsequently had two more children, but all along, Steve felt painfully trapped. “There wasn’t a 15-minute segment of any day that went by that I did not feel terrible inside my head,” Steve said. After 16 years of marriage, Steve admitted to Jennifer that he had been having a long-term affair with another married man. The couple has now been divorced for four years, and Jennifer has written a book called “My Ex Is Having Sex With Rex.” Jennifer says, in retrospect, one of her biggest regrets in life was to believe that her husband’s sexuality could be changed by conversion therapy. She wishes churches would embrace anyone and everyone, but doubts that will ever be a reality. “In a utopian world, the churches would open their arms and accept everybody in the world for who they are,” she said, “but I don’t believe that’s going to happen.”
By Alison Lynn and Maggie Burbank
