Just exactly how do you talk dirty in bed with your partner? Do you just blurt something out or do you tell your partner in advance that you’d like to introduce more talking in the bedroom? What do you say that’s within your comfort zone? Or should you be leaving your comfort zone? Is that the point? Hear what our experts have to say about introducing seductive language into the bedroom. When it comes to talking dirty with your partner, there seem to be two camps of people: those who swear by it and those who swear against it.
In reality, I think far fewer of us have tried it than would admit and we’re all in need of some experimentation to see how it works. So whether you’re a novice at dirty talk or consider yourself a pro, we challenge you to read through this entire piece and then conduct a little experiment with your lover to see how talking dirty spices up your sex life. So why does this work? Keep in mind that the brain is the biggest sex organ in your body (sorry, fellas) and that the more you can stimulate your partner’s brain, the easier it is to reach orgasm. Lots of people stick to just the mechanics of sex and forget that talking, whispering, nibbling and seducing can happen quite passionately before you ever take off your clothes. Consider using just your words and your breath to convey to your partner your excitement. And in the scope of talking dirty, share in words exactly what you want to do. Step by step, inch by inch … The other powerful thing about talking dirty is that it’s both unpredictable and uncomfortable. You never quite know what your partner is going to say, and the sheer anticipation of that can be unnerving. My suggestion, if this is your first time, is to let your partner lead and start by simply listening. Sit with the experience and allow yourself to hear your partner’s desire before giving in to your impulse to interrupt and get involved.
Listen for the words, sounds and sensations that arise in you as you hear someone talking to you in this very personalized way. Remember, if it becomes too uncomfortable, you can always stop or steer your partner in a direction that’s less embarrassing to you. Often, setting language guidelines can help to keep certain vulgar words out of the story and still allow your partner to seduce you in this very special way. Follow my “Dirty Talk Assignment.” Sure, that doesn’t sound exactly sexy, but the more familiar you are with what you want to say and how you want to say it, you’ll have more confidence and you’ll have more fun. That’s what it’s all about: mutual pleasure and fun. Consider this your sexy to-do list:
1. What is your motivation? Do you want to say something you heard that was hot? Do you want your partner to say something?
2. What inspires you? Is it a fantasy? Did you read something online? An image? (A note of caution here: if it was with hot with another partner, you need to repurpose that talk. No one wants to feel they are being compared to an ex.) Tell your partner you’d like to try something with them: “You know I was reading this book and I thought how hot it would be to explore that with you.”
3. Practice, practice, practice! If you know what you want to say, then practice it just as an actor would run lines. And in a way, you’re adopting a sexy persona with your new sensual language. Consider reading aloud an erotic book to your partner while you’re in bed. That way, you can deliver the exact tone and words you desire. And who knows? Your partner may have wanted to introduce this too!
4. Learn from the masters. Some people are master negotiators at knowing how to ask for what they want and how they want to feel. (Visit FetLife.com, but avoid Kink.com … it isn’t the real thing according to my friends who are into BDSM.)
If you’ve never done this before, talking dirty can be a bit difficult at the start. Initially, the whole point would be to not leave your partner’s comfort zone. As things will progress you should both work towards pushing those boundaries and leaving your comfort zones behind. In order to better understand each other’s comfort zones, you can ask yourself this simple question, “Are we comfortable talking about sex?” Unfortunately, if you can’t talk about sex outside of the bedroom, you’re going to have a hard time talking about it (dirty or otherwise) in the bedroom. Most men are usually receptive to small amounts of dirty talk, but some guys can lose more than their focus when they’re put on the spot. That’s why it’s always better to test things out in the beginning. Keep well within both of your comfort zones while feeling free to explore.
“Do you like it?” This should be the very first thing you say during sex. It will test both of your limits and it will also test your partner without freaking him out because he only has to reply with a simple, “Mm-hmm.” Depending on how comfortable you are, you can quickly move things along. You can probe further by saying, “Tell me what you’d like to do to me.” Test him and see if he’s enjoying this. If you’re the more daring, describe exactly what you want (but still keeping it modest). Guys love it when you tell them what to do. By then, it’s time to really push those boundaries and step outside your comfort zones. “You feel so goooood inside me,” “I love how hard you are,” “Do you feel how wet I am?” Just remember, the whole point of talking dirty is exploring your desires with your partner while staying in your comfort zone (but maybe pushing out of it just a little). ( By By Alex Matlock, Melanie Gorman, Lou Paget from www.yourtango.com )