ight now, all over the world, gay men are dating women. Maybe they’re too afraid to come out of the closet. Maybe they aren’t even aware that they in fact like men. But they are out there, and they are dating women just like you. I just so happen to be dating one myself. Now the question is, “How do you know you’re dating a gay man?” I don’t have enough experience, myself, to give you a straightforward list; however, I can tell you what gave my boyfriend away. I started dating him in the beginning of December, and he was straight, or so it seemed. Five days after I began dating him, I left college for a month-long Christmas break. Now, because the first month of our relationship was over the phone, the signs were harder to see. The first time I noticed something was off was when he called me, excited about the impending holiday. “I saw my sister and brother walk into my favorite store today and they wouldn’t show me what was in the bag when they came out! I KNOW it was my Christmas present!” At this point I was thinking that his family had gone to Best Buy, Game Stop, or Dick’s Sporting Goods to get him something. Oh no, I was completely off base because, of course, these are all stores for straight men. His favorite store, it turns out, is Express. Yeah, I know. I didn’t know what to say either. Attention men: The closet is calling. Will you walk in? Upon returning from break, he walked into my room wearing an argyle sweater with a hood. Not only was he wearing what I assume was his Christmas present from his siblings, but he also loved it. His stunning fashion sense continued as the week went on.
Any time he had to leave his apartment in sweatpants and a t-shirt he felt like “a bum.” He also had a shit fit if he realized he didn’t match. More than that, what he wore alarmed me. I didn’t know they made clothes for grown men in pastel shades. It turns out, they do. They also make sweater vests. Why? Fuck if I know. Soon after, I started paying more attention to my boyfriend’s taste in TV and movies. At first I thought he was only watching Grey’s Anatomy because I made him, but he actually tuned in even when I wasn’t around. He even made the effort to watch an episode that he missed online. I’m not cutting down Grey’s here because I love it more than anything, but seriously. My boyfriend likes men. He also admitted to not only watching The Devil Wears Prada, but enjoying it so much that he was willing to stand around a computer monitor for the duration just to see it. That wouldn’t be appropriate even if you have ovaries. I think the moment I really noticed something was wrong was a particular Wednesday about two weeks ago. We both work at the cafeteria for our dorm. As our boss walked by she commented how much she liked the new painting on the wall directly behind me. When I tell you what my boyfriend said in response, I’m not even kidding.
And I quote, “Yeah, you’re right. It really breaks up the monotony of that wall.” I’ll allow thirty seconds for those of you who don’t know the meaning of monotony to look it up. Yes. That exact sentence was actually uttered. Later that same day, I walked in on him looking at GQ’s website for outfit ideas. In that second, it finally hit me: I’m his alibi. He obviously couldn’t come out because he’s from a Catholic family. And it would be far too big of a blow to his pride for all the supervisors at work to be proven correct (they also mock him for being gay, as if that’s not proof enough that fifty kids thought he liked the cock). He needed an innocent freshman: an unsuspecting girl to date him so that he could cover up his gayness. In the end ladies, I chose to stay with him. A gay man will inevitably be able to relate to you better than any straight man ever could. And, let’s face it, every girl wants a gay best friend. Who am I to judge if he wants me to pull back my hair and wear a fake mustache when I’m blowing him?
By Ashley Solomon